Traditionally, the career choices for zombies have been rather limited, due to their inability to communicate and their penchant for devouring the brains of their coworkers. However, in these economically troubling times, more and more companies are turning to zombies as a cheap and lower-maintenance alternative to outsourcing.
So if you’re a zombie and you’re looking for a job that doesn’t involve serving as a wizard’s undead minion or working at a convenience store, here are some career choices you might want to consider.
Crash Test Dummy
In the early days of vehicular safety testing, cadavers were used to simulate the victims of catastrophic collisions. However, this practice eventually ceased in the mid 1950s due to the public outcry over the moral and ethical issues. Researchers began asking for live human volunteers to strap themselves into these deathtraps and allow themselves to be splattered against a brick wall at 200 miles per hour, but for some reason there didn’t seem to be a lot of interest. With the invention of the crash test dummy in 1971, the need for volunteers was eliminated and the dead were allowed to continue resting in peace.
However, crash test dummies are expensive and require considerable maintenance to keep them in working condition. As a walking cadaver, you would be more than qualified for the brutal, bone-snapping work involved in vehicular engineering. And since you’d be volunteering, it would eliminate those pesky ethical qualms. Admittedly, you could probably only endure a crash or two before you became so damaged that you’d be forced to seek employment elsewhere. But just think of all the lives you’ll be saving!
Zombies are in high demand among grocery stores and retail outlets, where they’re trained to carry bags, gather shopping carts, restock shelves, and occasionally make unintelligible announcements over the public address system.
One of the first shops in the U.S. to employ zombie labor was the U-Do Voodoo Boutique in New Orleans’ French Quarter. “Zombies are great for heavy lifting, but they do tend to be a wee bit clumsy,” claims Papa La Bouff, owner and proprietor. “The zombie that handles our inventory once knocked a box of voodoo dolls off the shelf, and twelve people jumped off the roof!”
As a zombie, you probably won’t be landing any leading roles in the major Hollywood blockbusters. However, zombie movies are all the rage, and hiring zombies as extras is certainly more economically feasible that paying for all that makeup.
If you’re interested in pursuing a career as a zombie thespian, make sure you have your resume and head shot in order. Secure the services of a reputable agent. And whatever you do, try not to kill and eat the director.
“I’ll admit I was skeptical,” says Richard Crickets, HR Director for Massive Global Industries (a subsidiary of ConHugeCo). “I used to figure all zombies were good for was menial labor or working retail. But I’ve come to realize that with a little patience and enough buckets of fresh brains, they can be trained to do just about any kind of office work.”
There are still some obstacles for zombies to overcome in the office environment. Filing isn’t their strong suit, and they’re admittedly a bit slow on the 10-key. However, when it comes to fielding calls from irate vendors, zombies have proven themselves surprisingly capable.
“Ted Henderson was head of our A/P department for 20 years before he was killed in a tragic zombie attack,” Crickets explains. “When he eventually came back to life and came shambling into the office looking for work, it just didn’t seem right to turn him out into the street. So we gave him a desk and put him to work taking calls from our vendors.
“Frankly, I was amazed by the results. We used to get hundreds of calls each week from angry business partners demanding immediate payment on delinquent invoices. But ever since Mr. Henderson came back to work here, the number of calls has dropped by more than 90%.”
And to what does Mr. Henderson attribute his unlikely success? “Braaaaaains!”