When it comes to the immortal question of zombies vs. vampires, people are definitely divided into two camps. On one side, you’ve got the folks who know in their hearts that zombies are simply made of relentless, ravenous, undead awesome! And on the other side, you have a bunch of tween girls and aging goths who still live with their parents. But the purpose of this article isn’t to malign the horribly misguided vampire fans, but rather to prove—impartially and with absolutely no bias—that zombies are WAY cooler!
Vampires are into capes. Maybe that kind of accessorizing was sinister and intimidating back in the 1800s, when vampires were last considered cool (or “the bee’s knees,” as your grandparents used to say). But these days, when you see someone wearing a cape, you don’t think, “Aaaiieee! Nosferatu!” You probably just assume it’s someone who’s really into fantasy role playing games.
Zombies, on the other hand, wear the clothes they died in or were buried in. Even though their clothing may be tattered and stained with graveyard dirt, blood, and zombie juice, it will still be more contemporary and fashionable than what the vampires are wearing. Unless, of course, the zombie in question was really into fantasy role playing games…
Zombies are single-minded and driven in purpose, so much so that their vocabulary is pretty much limited to one word: “Braaaaaains!” Once a zombie sets its mind on, well, eating your mind, it can’t be deterred and it can’t be distracted. Your only hope of escape is to kill the zombie or run faster than someone else with a tastier brain.
Vampires, however, are an obsessive-compulsive mess who feel compelled to count things. One traditional method of escaping from a vampire involves throwing a handful of seeds into its path. The vampire simply can’t resist stopping, picking up each seed, and counting it. “One! One seed! Two! Two seeds! Muahahahaha! Three! Three seeds…” Vampires are also unable to resist the urge of untying every single knot they come across, so I can only assume most of them wear flip flops or loafers with their capes.
Vampires are so fragile, it’s a wonder any of them survive their first week of being undead. They’re afraid of crosses and can be laid low by a slice of garlic toast. Holy water will burn them, running water will disintegrate them, and a stake of wood to the heart will cause them to explode into an unconvincing CGI effect. Sunlight may burn them, or it may cause them to sparkle, which is lame beyond belief, but it least it draws attention away from their capes.
Zombies are tough. They may be walking sacks of rotting flesh, but they’re darned hard to kill. Or rekill, as the case may be. You can stab them, shoot them, dismember them, and even cut off their heads, and they’ll just keep coming (although, admittedly, decapitation does tend to slow them down a little). The only way to put a zombie down is a bullet or two in the brain pan.
In addition to being immortal, vampires have unnatural strength, enhanced sense, and mind control powers. They can also walk on walls and ceilings, or assume the form of a bat, a wolf, or a cloud of smoke.
Zombies, admittedly, get the short end of the stick when it comes to supernatural abilities. Apart from being hard to kill, they don’t really get much in the way of power ups. So this category should, technically, go to the vampires. However, I’m still bothered by that whole “sparkling in the sunlight” thing, so I’m going to give it to the zombies.
So there you have it. Empirical evidence that zombies are cooler than vampires. So the next time someone tries to tell you different, you can cite the examples in this article and prove them wrong. Or you can simply point and laugh at their cape.