Zombies really have it tough in this narrow-minded, life-biased culture of today. Just because you’re slow and unintelligible, and occasionally resort to cannibalism, you are shunned, shot at, and often treated as second-class citizens. But take heart, my ghoulish friends. There are some among the living who have opened their minds and have come to see the exotic allure of the walking dead. They long to gaze into your milky white eyes and run their fingers through your dirt-clumped hair, and whisper words of passion into the holes where your ears used to be.
Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about the forbidden passion of… Graveyard Fever. And I don’t mean the kind you catch from infected rats.
Most zombies can score at least one or two dates with the living, but find they have trouble keeping their partner’s interest once the excitement and/or booze wears off. If you are a zombie looking for long-term love with somebody who has a pulse, these tips may be just the key.
- Freshen yourself up a little. Just because the flesh is rotting from your bones is no reason to let yourself go. Perfume, cologne, and liquid chlorine bleach can go a long way towards masking those embarrassing carrion odors. In a pinch, try hanging a pine air freshener around your neck.
- If your date introduces you to his or her parents, try to be understanding of their reservations and unease. Also, don’t eat them.
- Brains are pure protein, but they’re also high in calories and leave your breath smelling like offal. Try eating the occasional salad.
- Clothes make the zombie. Throw away those tattered rags you were buried in and slip into something fun and trendy. A smart jacket or baggy sweater can cover up those embarrassing internal organs, and a jaunty scarf will draw the eye from your missing lower jaw. Don’t be afraid to accessorize!
- If you decide to let that special someone hold your hand, make sure it’s still attached to your wrist.
- Avoid discussing religion. In the greater scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter whether the Zombie Apocalypse was caused by a radioactive plague or some kind of voodoo curse.
- Try to come up with activities that the two of you can enjoy together. Since your activities are pretty much limited to shambling and incoherent moaning, this may prove difficult at first. Slow walks and karaoke are always good suggestions.
- Don’t undertip. Nobody likes a cheapskate.
- Don’t leave voicemail messages. It doesn’t matter how in to you they are; nobody wants to listen to half an hour of “gaaarrrrrg,” “uuuurrrrrrr,” and “aaaaaaargh.”
- If your date shows up with a gun, odds are he or she is planning to break up with you. Try not to let them shoot you in the head.
Except for the laws of God and nature, there’s absolutely no reason why zombies and the living can’t enjoy a long, happy, and healthy relationship together. So savor your time with that special someone until death do you part! Or you get hungry.